correspondence.

This post was inspired by the above facebook status from last week. there are issues that need to be addressed in writing.

dear tara,

im sorry i made the house smell like an indian restaurant on valentines day even though i knew you were having a romantic dinner with your boyfriend later in the evening. well, actually i kind of did it on purpose, but im sorry now.

love, shelley

dear sports marketing group,

i want you to know that i think you are all extremely incompetent, and i am looking forward to doing the majority of this project and then sharing my A with you.

love, shelley

dear electric blanket,

i love you. you are the greatest purchase i have ever made, even if sometimes i do think you are going to spontaneously combust.

love shelley

dear shelley,

i owe you an apology for being such a gleeky hypocrite. i am sorry that i got on my high horse about how much i hate glee and dont ever want anything to do with it, but then i asked you to watch a marathon of the first season with me and shushed you whenever you talked. glee rocks. you were right, i was wrong.

love, zac

dear jake from the bachelor,

you are a douchebag, and vienna is a vapid whore. good luck trying to make that hot mess of a "relationship" work for longer than 20 minutes, meanwhile, ill will be rolling in the dough i am making from picking facebook over you and planning my comeback as the next bachelorette. sucks to suck.

love, ali

dear dad,

im sorry that every other time i call you its because im having a mental breakdown. mom's just not very understanding.

love, shelley

dear FDA,

you are a dirty pirate hooker. you are skewing nutrition science and regulations so that while we are getting more health knowledge we are getting less access to actual healthy food and are therefore turning into future contestants for the biggest loser. stop the cornography, you little greedy bastard.

love, the american public

dear family,

just so that were clear, im gonna go ahead and keep doing whatever the hell i want. that will mostly include sleeping and eating, but i might occassionally kill a small animal and leave it for you to find in the lawn. just wanted to be sure were on the same page.

love, tiger

ps: please stop calling me fatty and joking about my bulemia because it makes me really insecure. thanks.

dear washington dc,

were sorry we were so cub style when we visited this summer. not really though. you liked it.

love, shelley and tracey

dear trader joes,

i am obsessed with you. if there is a human trader joe, i want to date him. please tell him to facebook me.

love, shelley

dear LOST writers,

are you on crack? were confused.

love, every single LOST fan, except, apparently, michael johnsen

ahhh, i feel much better now, dont you?