flat tires and fake eyelashes.

im not very lucky when it comes to cars. i don't think that i'm a bad driver (i mean, who really does though?) but have been told that i am. actually, in my very unscientific study (aka asking mom and dad) of who is the worst driver out of me, tracey, and michael, both said me, which says a lot considering that mike didn't quite pass driver's ed the first time and didn't get his license until his 18th bday, and tracey drives like she's practicing for the indy 500 obstacle course edition.

there was this one time i drove an ATV off a cliff in mexico,

and i did back into and severely dent lauren's dad's truck my first time solo behind the wheel,

and then a repeat performance with a lovely lady named althea in the walmart parking lot last year ($506.24 i'll never see again),

there was also my serious t-boning last february that basically totaled the poor liberty---but that was NOT my fault,

and then a few months ago when i ran out of gas in carmel,

and when the car practically broke down on 294 over christmas break.

see what i mean?

taking all that into account, yesterday's events were altogether unsurprising but nonetheless more than slightly irritating. i got a flat tire. this is not a big deal for someone that knows how to change a tire, however i am not not one of those people (which i learned is apparently very evident when the guy at the discount tire said "i'm thinking you didn't crawl on the pavement and change that, did you?" granted i was wearing fake eyelashes---more on that later---but he didn't need to be a bully about it). so i realized that the tire was dunzo when i parked at the gym, but was too annoyed to deal with it immediately so i just decided to work out first. lucky for me, none other than my knight in shining armor (aka zac) happened to be on the treadmill (which made me extra grateful for the little workout kick he's been on lately) and he graciously offered to change the tire for me and then proceeded to actually steal my keys from my jacket while i was on the elliptical and head out to the parking lot. i did feel a little guilty about working out while zac did my dirty work (not to mention that the memory of the two of us funneling gas into my empty tank with a starbucks cup was still pretty fresh), so i finally went out there to see how the project was progressing.

this is when i learned that zac had changed my flat tire to another flat tire. don't ask me why the spare was flat, but in a very anticlimactic finale to zac's effort i was actually still stuck in the same position i was in before. awesome.

i said something about just driving to a shop and paying to get it fixed before i was promptly admonished for my idiocy. apparently driving on flat tire is a big automotive faux pas. learn something new every day.

since zac's fraternity formal was just a few hours away and i needed to make myself look like a human, i decided just to let the jeep have a little sleepover in the gym parking lot and proceeded to commence getting ready while simultaneously drinking.

this morning when i woke up, not only did i kind of feel like i got hit in the head with a vodka hammer, but i was still wearing the fake eyelashes i had so carefully applied the night before. not really caring, and just deciding that today could be a "fancy day," i arranged for a tow truck to pick both me and my car up at the gym. as i made the hike to the car on foot, in my sweats, eating oatmeal with a plastic knife out of a hotbox pizza cup, i started to wonder how someone like me is going to function sans awkwardness in a grown-up world. i thought the same thing as i rode passenger through the butler campus next to jermaine, the giant driver of a giant yellow tow truck making small talk about potholes. it took all of my willpower not to lean out the window and shout "look at me! i'm riding a tow truck!" i refrained.

i had lots of time to think about how my quality of life would be it bettered should i learn how to change my own tire as i waited for the guys at dicount tire to do it for me. it was about right then that i became painfully aware of the fact that my fake eyelashes and my "kegsgiving 2009" t-shirt were a severe conflict of interest--- then again, not really, especially considering that i was sweating vodka. the guy at discount tire, as nice as he was, surely thought that i was hot mess barbie, and i was more than happy to take my keys and bolt the moment my name was called. on my way out i was given a little keepsake: a little silver thing that i initially thought was a pen, but now believe is some kind of tool that is used on a tire. i will do some research and report back on said mystery tool.

this, my friends, is an example of how to get your flat tire fixed in the most cub style* way possible.

*cub style: a phrase coined by tracey that has come to signify an adjective used to describe a situation or thing that is embarrassing midwestern, jank, and all-around scrappy.